Stages
At every phase of life there is a definite love-hate relationship with our life. As a kid my pleasures were simple, life was easy but I thought otherwise because I thought it unfair that adults were allowed to be rude to us, and it was near impossible to justify ourselves.
As a teenager I battled my own hormones and struggled with self-esteem, socialising as well as finding an identity (whatever that meant). I found excitement in staying up past twelve, a routine in going to the mall nearest to my school after class, as well as phone conversations with boys.
I think it is safe that I consider myself an adult now, or would a pre-adult cut it? My mother cut me off financially, I picked up undesirable habits and found comfort in the hazy fatigue that lingers after flitting from job to job to upkeep a decent lifestyle. Let’s cut the crap and admit that we are materialistic and we somewhat enjoy being drained out of our energy due to productivity.
Somehow the level of my awareness has reached a point where I am alarmed most times.. & I am afraid I will never be comfortable, even though I should be. Does that make sense? There is always a competition against me to keep ousting myself.. but that is not bad. Not bad at all. But with that comes a ginormous amount of responsibility.
I see myself as a human filter. Emotions used to run smoothly.. then went amok.. and now that I have extra guards up, sometimes I don’t feel like I should love people entirely anymore. It is tiring to have to filter around people in case they get worked up. Even family, you know. You should really brush off any complacency and realise that you’re for yourself. You really can’t expect people to save you, or be there for you, but you sure as hell are grateful when they are.
I have realised this in this year alone.. & I am just tired ah. Tired of the negative energy.
An acquaintance once told me that I give off a bubbly young persona… but sometimes I feel really old inside.
Just so old.
To Read When I Am Feeling Ugly.
As I stared into the mirror to pick out a ‘flaw of the day’, I noticed that for a long while I haven’t seen my face as a whole, but instead in bits and pieces of which I was unhappy with.
Today though. Today I took a step back and looked at myself and felt grateful that I am whole. I don’t have any outward tumours (you can rule out the mole, I am removing that motherfucker soon), I don’t have misshapen features and I am certainly not distasteful.
Sometimes I regress and tread carefully on the boundary of when I was miserable, but it really takes a full picture and a full face to uncover the pettiness of your unhappiness.
People have problems, and some of them are choices.
Nip it in the bud.
Disappointing
Apparently there’s this bug going around called Inconceivable Sensitive Bullcrap. SUSAH.
Sweeeeeettt
It seems like I am going to do an ushering job alone from the 10th to 15th, and on the 16th I’m going to start a temp job at Temasek Polytechnic with Mal & Faizah for 2 & a half months.
I am basically scouring for my own bread & butter since my parents decided to cut me off financially. I feel like I’m being forced into being an adult, aaaarghhhhhhhhhh.
This also means flitting from one job to another in lieu off my supposed one-year off plan, but hopefully things will start to settle by July & I can enjoy the later half of the year.
Vacations vacations vacations (& savings).
On a side note, I am really enjoying my new Android phone, the Samsung Galaxy SII, which I bought with my own hard-earned money thank you very much. Am pretty glad I did not get an iPhone because my widgets are pretty wicked.
Toodles!
It’s not your fault
But it hurts so bad.
You wouldn’t have stopped initially if I didn’t tell you to.. and knowing that breaks my heart even more.
Finished Day 2 of Level 1
Recently I’ve been attempting Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred workout routine, and for those interested, here’s Level 1:
Looks easy, no? Be prepared to flop around like a fish afterwards.
So it’s over a span of 30 days, and every 10 days you move up a level. I did my internet research (or rather, Google research) and so far visual results look promising.
Trying my best to stay optimistic, but my muscles are dead and I can’t really give a happy expression.
Waitress
She trudged through the alfresco dining area balancing eight drinks on a tray, her eyes worn and her posture dispirited. She lowered the tray at table 408. A white man at table 402 caught her eye and raised his finger for service. She nodded to let him know she would attend to him.
“Who is having the vanilla bourbon tea?”
Table 408 was a group of young adult females, wielding big cameras and extravagant clothing. They acknowledged her arrival by shifting slightly but seemed to disregard her actually talking. They continued tittering among themselves and rolling their eyes about a certain person who was apparently very flamboyant.
“Vanilla bourbon tea.”
Nothing.
“Tea.”
Still.
Exasperated, she placed the drinks on the table and the girls doled it out themselves. The words ‘bitch posse’ came to mind. She made her way over to the white man.
“Hi may I take your order?”
“I’ll have the mushroom linguine.”
“I’m sorry sir we are out of mushroom linguine.”
“Fine, I’ll get a mushroom salad.”
“I’m sorry sir, but we are out of all mushroom items.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake. Why the fuck do you call yourself a cafe then.”
She curved her lips upwards in an attempt at an apologetic smile.
“Just get me a coffee, jesus.”
A slight nod and she walked off. Her manager came around to check on customers.
“That guy wants a coffee. Can I go for my break?”
Her manager nodded. She went round the back and took out a cigarette, lit it and inhaled till her cheeks sucked in. She watched as she puffed out the clouds of smoke and how it symbolized her soul and dignity leaving her body the more she accepted bullshit from pretentious people coming to a pretentious place to eat pretentious food.
She thought about how it was technically slavery, except with better rates and very flexible hours. Waiting on tables was a mindless job but it had practically no self-respect. Everybody talked down to you. All you had to do was do your shit right and pray you don’t get fired. She would not have minded but she needed the money.
She imagined a dramatic scene where she threw a tray to the floor and yelled, “I QUIT.” This thought was slowly savoured when her phone suddenly beeped. It was her boyfriend.
“Hey baby how’s work?”
She flicked her cigarette away and started typing.
Her only salvation was to complain about it.
Nature VS Nurture
Do you think we have set personalities? If a person holds a grudge, or lashes out in anger more times than normal, do you think it is innate or rather learnt from his environment?
Most times I think it is a balance of both, or rather the person eventually chooses what befits his identity.
Sometimes though, it gets a little hard to be in control & I say mean things or become too angry. I don’t really like to be like that & I must remind myself to be nice.
To The Boy.
Thank you for sticking by me whenever I get hissy fits & talking me through whenever I feel scared. It isn’t really what you say that matters, it’s just that hearing your voice comforts me.
I cannot wait for us to go for Earth Wind & Fire end of this month!
Love you.
You’ve been so good to me.
